i hate school

 i hate school. i hate that a test measures your self worth now. i hate that the mark you get determines what kind of person you are. you could be the next person to find the cure for cancer, but if you get a 55% on your math test, you're "stupid". university is a scam. they extort money out of high school students and demand insane sums of money for a course you could learn off of youtube or something. i hate it. i got a bad mark on a math quiz and now i feel like a failure. im not stupid either. i get ditracted and too much happens in my mind that i cant focus. are we just supposed to know what we want to be as soon as we enter this world? that cant be what life is. for me, at this point, i want to make it into music, but ill study law. if that doesnt work, ill go to the military or police. and if that doesnt work, ill kill myself. maybe say bye to my mom and borther, move to the us, buy a gun and just die. i dont want to kill myself because the thought of not excisting anymore has plagued my mind but what else will i do? get a shitty job at mcdonalds and earn minimum wage, spending paycheck to paycheck, never feeling the joys of life? i feel lost in this world because its full of harsh realities. my mom hates me (not actually) , my brother a child prodigy, all my peers are smart and know what they want to do. i try to cry but i cant anymore. i dont feel. i distract myself with music and video games to distract myself from the fact that if i dont get my shit togther i will die a disappointment. i wont get my mom a house or be able to spend money without looking at the pricetag. i wont eat in nice restaurants or have the liberty to buy games whenever i feel like it. ill be wondering the world lost, still trying to find my way, telling myself itll be ok, but it wont. i need help but i feel scared to admit that i dont know what im doing because i alwasy know what im doing. i never tell anyone what im feeling because i dont want those pity comments like "im so sorry" or "are you ok?" because i feel like a baby. i feel untethered in this world.